Hold the silence...for longer than you think

By Dr Tim Williams

There are so many times, when coaching or supervising, that I am grateful that I held the silence that little bit longer than my impulse to speak, had intended.  What came next from the client, was a new idea, new insight, new direction, or a breakthrough, that might otherwise have laid hidden, for who knows how long.

Nancy Kline’s latest book ‘The Promise that Changes Everything – I will not interrupt you’, is a good reminder of this key principle of coaching…and great read or listen, if you have space on your Christmas list!

Silence as a health coaching cornerstone

I believe that the cornerstone of health coaching is providing the right environment for people to think about their own health and wellbeing as far as they are able (which is often further than they originally thought possible).  For this they need us, as coaches, to pay them generative attention.  At the very least this means that we do not interrupt them.  As many will already appreciate, just because someone has finished speaking, it does not mean that they have finished thinking.  On the contrary, those gaps between the uttered words, in the silence, are exactly, where some of the most precious thinking occurs, so let’s not interrupt that bit!

After perhaps a slightly longer gap than you feel comfortable with at first, a useful question to ask the client is “Is there anything more you want to say?”.  If the answer is “No.”, then we can of course ask another question, the aim of which, is to keep the client thinking, as far as they can.

Clients will also have a different tolerance for silence, and we also want to ensure Ease (another component of a Thinking Environment™).  I will, therefore, bring the subject of silence up in contracting, so I can be clear that I am comfortable with it, and “I won’t assume they have stopped thinking, because they have stopped talking”

WAIT

A useful acronym that I came across recently on an IFS course, was ‘WAIT’, which stands for ‘Why Am I Talking?’.  If you struggle to hold the silence, this might be a useful question to ask yourself – and your own discomfort is, usually, not a good enough reason to break it.

Silence over the Festive Season

If we are used to holding silence for our clients and colleagues and others that live close, the festive period can be a challenge.  People will gather from all over and many won’t know the joy of a silence being held generously by another human being.  Conversations instead, will be peppered by interruption, people speaking over others and silence and deep listening being notably absent.  If you can though, perhaps take some time with someone you’d like to listen to deeply and let them think, uninterrupted, and see how far they can go – it might be the best gift they get this year.